Never really expected this, but I should have.
It seems pretty clear now that I don’t stand a chance.
The way I responded in the past, out of fear of rejection and awkwardness,
Became the very thing that caused this distance, rejection and awkwardness.
I am still thankful though,
I learnt a lot within this 10-11 months.
This actually is one of the many prayers I made, though it sounded like a silly request.
I asked God to let me feel rejection from this kind of relationship once, so I can get to know how it feels being rejected.
At least i get to experience this part of life.
When i realise i’m liking her so much, i asked God if He can ignore that request of mine, and let me have her.
I guess He didn’t. Afterall, He’s a prayer answering God, and this experience is good for me.
To be honest, there’s still a small part in me hoping and thinking I still have a chance. I wonder if this instinct is for survival (like i hold on to that hope so i can find some confidence in myself and can carry on with life feeling less rejected and hurt).
I am happy for the fact that I decided to step out of fear and act on it.
Instead of negating my heart’s desires, I chose to do something. I chose to express it to the best I can, while exposing myself to my insecurities and deal with them.
I feared expressing my interest in her. I did it anyway, trying to make it seem all natural and friendly. It didn’t go as well as i hoped, but i tried my best. So i’m thankful.
It feels like i’m 17 again, dealing with this like a 17yo first timer who’s trying it out. For that i’m proud of myself.
It’s okay to start late, later than everyone else.
As long as you get to experience each phase of life and be fully present in it, that’s what matters.
You learn, you grow. You fail, you pick yourself up again and move on.
I’ve stayed emotionally stagnant for the longest time i know.
I’m certainly proud of myself that i am finally moving forward, finally growing up (emotionally).
I don’t regret one bit of it.