Early morning account

All day I think about her. First thing in the morning when I wake up, the first thought that comes to me is her. Even when trying to study, she’s at the back of my mind all the time. I tried to think less about her. I tried NOT to think about her. It worked at times. Most of the time it didn’t.

If only I am convinced that she is can be mine. If only I don’t feel “no” as an answer from God. I’m not exactly sure if the “no” i feel is really from God, or is it just me because my default reaction is “not to do anything about it”. It’s been about 10 months since I started talking to her. Since then, I had feelings for her till now. I couldn’t fall in love with anyone else. I tried talking to more women. I ran (away from these feelings) for months. It ain’t working.

[10min later]

I’m listening to “Getting God’s Vision for my life” by Rick Warren. While listening to it, that heart struggle stopped. Maybe that heart struggle wasn’t from me but from some external source? Maybe it could be some evil spirit that came to trouble me? Sudden feeling of peace. I still like her, but I don’t feel like I need her now. Maybe it is God’s love coming in without me knowing. His peace. His presence. In His presence, all fear has to go.

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