It was another night in the shower, as I allowed my mind to drift off into the unseen thoughts, mostly easily forgotten, thoughts that matter and don’t.
At one point I thought about NTU, and about the thought of holding the position as a leader for C6 NTU outreach. “I feel unqualified for this,” I thought, “Cheryl, should I really be assuming this role of leading the NTU outreach? Surely there is someone better suited with the necessary leadership skills, someone who is more on fire about it than I am?”
Feelings of inadequacy flooded in. I don’t want to be a hindrance for people not to encounter God, nor do I want to be the one that’s obstructing the potential outreach efforts to bloom, because of my lack of leadership & ownership of the outreach. I don’t think I’m suited for this, and I don’t think my heart is for the NTU peeps deep down inside. Maybe I just wanna assume the role to find significance. Maybe I don’t really care much about God as much as I care about myself.
Another thought that came up tonight was Mom. Mom, why are you so disconnected from us? Why are you so far away when you are physically near? Why do you not seem to care, or why does it seem like you can’t care about us? What scarred you so deep, that you lost the ability to love? Is it Dad? Is it your trauma experiences in your childhood/teenage years? And most importantly, why do I find myself to be so like you, emotionally distant and aloof about people and circumstances? Why is my heart not able to form deep attachment with people that I want to care for? Why am I so easily disconnected to people’s feelings and my own’s? Why am I struggling so much to connect? In fact, it feels like I’m hitting a white solid wall when i try to connect sometimes with people and with my own heart.
Do I not feel safe? Were there childhood trauma that I experienced, so deep that I can’t remember them? Have I learned how to (subconsciously) disconnect from painful emotions by shutting off unwanted memories that hurt?