23 July 2016, 9:45am.
Woke up today finding myself hiding from love again. It has been a default reaction since God knows when. I would wake up from my sleep, and the first thing that comes to my mind is you. We don’t talk much, but time to time that feeling comes back. I thought staying away would help me get over, but seems like it isn’t working. It’s not your fault, because I know it’s a struggle I had since young. I can’t exactly put into words why I’m running away, nor do I know of a solution to this. All I know after all these years of falling into the same cycle repeatedly, is that this is my default reaction when I fall in love. In my mind, I would wish I didn’t fell for you so I could come closer and befriend you with no fear, because I can’t be myself when I’m around you. The surge of emotion is overwhelming. My stammering alone is hard to hide.
I guess my struggle is I don’t feel safe enough for me to like you, because I’m afraid of the abandonment that comes with it. That’s why I’m running, fulfilling the fearful thought I don’t wanna have.
Please, help me, God.