Run away, I can’t.

I just want to run away. Or run to somebody who can at least father/mother & comfort me. I feel so sian, every time when you start bringing up the past that you claim to have forgiven. I feel so terrible about myself when u start putting everyone down with your words, as if you are the one with no issues. You have so much hurt n pain, but you don’t want to go out and find help. Instead, you keep looking towards your children, having expectations that we can’t fulfill. You hope we can give u the emotional love you desire, but it’s one that we cannot give, and over time, because of the cycle of your actions, we don’t want to give even if we are able to. I just want to run away, but I know I shouldn’t and I should face it. I have no idea how to help. You’re depressed and downcast, it’s affecting me. You’re stubborn and you make me think that you’re unwilling to seek help because of your man ego. The cycle repeats so much, it’s hard for me to believe that you’ll even allow us to help u in any way. History has spoken time and again with the same results, when we try.

Times like this, my mood is spoiled. I just don’t wanna do anything, back to that teenage years where I don’t feel any motivation or drive to pursue anything. No passion, love, desire for something. No liking of anything. Just plain dead.

I know God is with me when I’m facing this. I wish I knew Him more. I wish I would turn to Him more often and I wish I could feel His love more. I wish I have that desire to read His word daily instead of struggling to focus when I’m distressed. I wish my praise and adoration were true and genuine instead of just mouthing some words hoping i can get better. I wish I could see Him for who He says He is. I wish I can just love and be loved by Him and people as well.

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