Lost years

Was just sitting next to 2 lower sec kids. While eavesdropping on their conversation, I can’t help but feel that sense of “I wish I was like that back in secondary school.” They are honest, playful, just being true to themselves. They aren’t shameful of talking about the people they noticed or took interest in. They have hobbies and real interests that they pursue. They have a sense of purpose, goals and dreams. They put their hearts out there to learn and feel, just as we’re made to be.

I know I’ve missed out on these years because I never really put myself out there to feel and love throughout my teenage life. Half of it was because I was fearful, the other half because i didn’t know how to. Shame and fear locked me in. The friendships I had were pretty shallow. I never told anyone how I really felt about people and things (partially also because I was so numb to feelings). Now that I’m hitting 23, the repercussions of hiding from love is huge. I struggle with connection, the ability to connect, and the ability to fully empathise with someone. Sometimes I would wonder to myself, “why am I so heartless?” I want to care, but I simply don’t.

As I kept track of my thought life (since the start of Uni), I found out about half of my thoughts were rooted in shame and fear; thoughts of “not being good enough” as a person. It seems to me like I’m only emotionally 17 (or younger), although I’m physically turning 23. My communication skills are also that of a secondary school kid. I try to be my age, but somehow I just can’t be. Even relating to kids is hard, because the way I grew up was so different from them. I can’t understand what they’re thinking and feeling (at that age, I remember wondering why I don’t struggle with the issues as my peers struggled with, only to find myself in it these few years). And I can’t help but wonder, if I’m gonna be struggling with this for the bulk of my life (I hope not).

Maybe most of my posts here sound emo to those who read it. Maybe the future me might think so too. Whatever it is, my reason for all these posts is because I’m learning to pen down my thoughts and be honest with how I feel at the point of writing. I cannot afford to let myself be led by unhealthy thoughts and emotions. I want to be in control of my thought life.

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