Everyone has walls. Some have more, some have it higher than others. Some have it highest at the outer courts, some have theirs highest in the inner courts. For me, my walls are like automatic brick walls that shoots out of the ground when people(especially females) come into closer proximity than I’m comfortable with. We could be interacting gleefully, and after a few interactions the automatic walls would shoot up, with me cutting off that flow, breaking that jovial connection, and causing awkwardness. Some others that I interact with, my walls would already be up when I meet them.
Before I get judged and called names, let me get this clear: I love people. I like hanging around them. I wish I could connect and be tuned in to the emotions of those I’m interacting with. I wish I knew what to say, how to respond, and how to keep conversations going. I wish I could let loose and have fun like how many people would when they’re with someone they’re comfortable with. But I couldn’t. Somehow, there is this restraint in me to withhold myself. Not that I want to, but I couldn’t break out of it. My thoughts would get jammed, clouded, unable to process.
One Dream of mine is to be an emcee or host on a live stage, since when I was 17. Now that I’m 23, I still can’t foresee myself doing it. I know it would turn out ugly if I were to step on stage now and do it (think about it: leading P&W and preaching in cell is already a problem I face, because of that sense that I need to perform). I would think about it, occasionally imagining myself doing it in church and on a big stage aired live on tv. Watching talk shows like jimmy fallon’s and Ellen’s make me wish I could be like them, so composed and able to make people laugh, knowing just how to respond at each moment.
Then again, the reason why I’m desiring these could be because deep down inside, I secretly wish I am famous. I mean, who doesn’t like positive attention? You get to have fun, to love what you do, and at the same time interact with people and getting paid for it.
Maybe all that I’m saying and looking at right now is plain superficial, something my flesh wants. Maybe they aren’t what God has intended and designed me to be. Or it could be a desire God placed in my heart, a dream for me to fulfil, with Him.
Right now, the possibility of me reaching this dream is near impossible. It’s easy to dream, imagine and say a few encouraging words to myself that I can do it. But truth is, if it isn’t something that I’m made for, why should I even try?
Looking at me right now, it seems impossible. However, if this is what God has intended me to be, with Him all things are possible. Just that the timing isn’t now.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” (Prov 3:5-6)
TRUST in the LORD. He will work things out, Xuan Cheng the lovable boy. Nothing is lost in His hands. Trust Him; Entrust your dreams to Him.