Flashes of my struggle

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I don’t know why, but sitting on broad steps and looking out the caged window with this scenery relaxes me.

Exams are around the corner. With the stress that comes from the amount of stuffs I need to catch up on, taking a breather is what I need.

The struggle with not being able to pick up things as fast as everyone else is discouraging. Each time I struggle, feelings & thoughts of “never good enough” would come, and they would distract me from concentrating on my studies.

The long-standing struggle of not being able to relate, communicate, and connect with people properly affects my focus too. I’ve always envied people who are popular. People who can speak well, expressing themselves accurately, and having the ability to connect with others on a deeper level. I admire people who are sociable, not ashamed of who they are/aren’t, being able to express their minds freely without using the wrong words. They are just so comfortable being themselves around others, and aren’t afraid of sharing their personal thoughts and opinions. They don’t seem to be afraid of judgement when speaking of what they like or don’t like.

I, on the other hand, gets stuck on my words. My mind would go blank, even when in a casual conversation with people (most of the times). When it comes to class presentation (just a few weeks ago), I would tremble so much my friends asked me to calm down (though in my mind i was already relaxing the best i could).

I wished for years that I could be like my admirers too. I tried. There were improvements for sure, after trying for years. However, at my current age, the world isn’t going to be as gracious to me as when I was younger. Some mistakes I could make in the past, I can’t make them now. What’s not so good is, I feel like I’m struggling with mindsets people face when they were in secondary school. Things like the inability to articulate my thoughts properly, feeling anxious just so easily with people, talking to the girl I’m interested in, hoping to get to know her better, etc. These stuffs that were ought to be experienced in secondary school, I’m only stepping into them now.

At times like this, I wish I could hug someone. I wish I could hug mother and be comforted. I wish I could be empowered with words of assurance by father.

They ain’t gonna happen anymore. Not at my age and in this society. Assuring words I’m learning to tell myself, everytime I feel bad or lousy (to be honest, I’m actually getting better at it). Hugs, I wish I could give, just so I can learn to show love and receive love without feeling uneasy.

Vulnerability, I wish I could be with people I trust, and being able to present myself well, with people I wish to communicate & connect with, but not that close yet.

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