Have been feeling deranged for the bulk of the semester because of a messed up sleeping cycle (average of 5hrs of sleep each night), inability to focus on my studies, and having constant battles with my inner fears and insecurities.
A big part of my struggle is with self-rejection and poor self-esteem. Also, I almost always had this positivity that kinda killed me during the sem because I kept thinking there’s still time, until the time’s up.
“Studying just isn’t my thing,” i thought. Even simple calculations and concepts, i couldn’t get them right.
Soon after, people’s comments of me being weird and quirky (got to admit, i made them feel that way because of the lame stuffs i do) affects me even more, to the point i would ask God why am I weird. But I hear Him say I’m not.
Struggling with the feeling of self-rejection, fear and anxiety crept in and stayed for a longgggg time. They would leave once in awhile, but they would come back for me. This caused the lack of focus i need to study. Getting back really poor grades after trying to study more than my friend(s) while most ppl are doing exceptionally well, that made me feel worse.
Ever since the past 2 weeks, I would excuse myself from my study room and head somewhere else for some time with God. I would pour out my heart to Him and tell Him how I felt. I would cry even, to get over those feelings (something i wasn’t able to do in the past).
Tonight, is one of those nights where I felt the same overwhelming feelings. The most overwhelming one for now is the feeling of being rejected by the girl I like (though i think i kinda self-rejected myself first, because of insecurities). So instead of going to the same old quiet place, i went to the top floor of Hive. I chanced upon an unopened welfare pack, and found this note inside which says, “cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you”(1 pet 5:7).
It was like a God moment, so I had to take a photo of it and pen it down. He wants me to cast my axieties on Him, not to bear them myself! He cares, and He will pull me through! I can trust in my God!
Tonight, I can say that God came for me. He answered me in the most unexpected ways. I don’t feel any goosebumps or anything, but one thing is for sure: I have His peace. I’m no longer anxious. That I can say, thank you my God, for loving me.
(messy post. just typed what comes to mind.)
P.S. I left the welfare pack and card at where I found them.