God, help.

Are my communication, observation and human analytical skills so poor because of my parents? Was it because i had a bipolar dad who would rage at the smallest of things, and a mom who didn’t have the capacity to shower affection on her kids?

I grew up being emotionally closed up, to the point of emotional shut down. When my parents divorced, i didn’t feel a thing. In fact, i couldn’t. And i didn’t care. My dad was unpredictable. One moment he could be “all is well”, the next he could be triggered by something minute and turn into a raging bull. My mom was distant. Her person was here, but her heart wasn’t. All she cared was about herself, that’s what my sis and i thought. She was probably shut off by my dad’s bipolar & verbally(sometimes physically) abusive behavior.

As a result, I couldn’t discern most people’s actions. I can’t really understand human behavioral patterns. I would assume people’s actions can mean just about anything.

Fast forward to today, i still suck at human behavioral patterns. I can’t tell if someone is telling the truth or lying. I can’t tell if someone is not behaving like themselves(because they could be unpredictable). I lack the observational skills that’s so necessary to help me connect with people, to know what pleases people and what doesn’t; what i can say and what i can’t. Even if i do identify, i don’t know how to go about doing it. Somehow whenever i try to be intentional to connect, things doesn’t really work out. Idk how to make people feel comfortable around me, women especially. I can’t read them, and would say or do things i shouldn’t.

Maybe this is why i find it hard to connect with God, to know what actually pleases Him. Maybe this is why I find it hard to trust my senses when the Holy Spirit is prompting me to do something(i would think it isn’t God, but probably just my impulse nature).

That being said, ranting so much and blaming my parents aren’t gonna help. I wanna learn to forgive them. They didn’t have a good family background. I’m sure they themselves are struggling too. I should learn how to accomodate them, and learn how to look out for behavioral patterns (and be open to make mistakes). I shouldn’t be so direct with my words and actions, and learn to show more kindness and appreciation to them.

Lord, this is tough. It’s tough when the people who’re supposed to be showering love on me needs to be loved on instead. Help me with this God. Help me to receive your love and grace, so that i can shower love and grace to my family and friends, so that i can be comfortable with my own skin and not be so self-conscious. Help me to know that being weird and quirky isn’t bad. It’s just not conventional. And let me be assured that my thoughts and feelings do matter, even if they may seem a bit off sometimes. That people do take into consideration how i think and feel, that they accept me for who I am and will help me to be a better me. I don’t need a girlfriend, i need God.

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