“i like you”

“I like you”, i thought. So I’m gonna try to get close to you and get to know you, just not too close. But things didn’t seem to work out as I hoped. I thought that by not confessing I liked you, means I have to act like I don’t, and that sucks. By staying a distance and acting like I’m not into you, I thought that would prevent heartaches, in case you might just like me too. So I did it anyway, and yes I achieved my goal, but it is regret that i felt. And I got myself broken again for the same stupid reasons. This isn’t my first, and I hope this is my last. I hope to have deep, healthy relationships with women. I don’t wanna lie to myself & others that I don’t fancy you when I actually do. It’s not shameful, it’s not wrong.

I lay on my bed, and questioned what love is.
I thought love was just a feeling, I thought love is just an emotion.
Then i heard people say that it is not, that love is actually intentional, whether you feel like it doing it or not.

So i tried to love the way I could, to be intentional and all
but i realised it almost always turn out wrong. It backfires, it made things worse.
“Weird” is the thought i got. “What the heck” is what I thought. “What did I just do? Why did I say that?”

I was told that love has boundaries. So I drew some clear ones, some that I didn’t like, and I thought that would lead to healthy relationships.
Maybe i was wrong, the boundaries that I drew. They weren’t healthy in the first place. Some of them weren’t supposed to be there, because their roots were fear and insecurities.

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