In a little while, in a few years down the road, we (my Malaysia cousins and I) are all going our own paths. We may never see each other or be in contact again, when our grandparents are no longer around.
In a little while, I may not be able to share the gospel with them anymore. I may even be the only Jesus some of them see (especially my grandparents). Writing this makes my heart ache, knowing they, especially my grandparents, may never know Him. My only chance may just be the next few Chinese New Years we celebrate together.
Time is scarily short. It’s passing by at a tremendously fast rate. In awhile, I’ll be 25. A little while more, I’ll be 30, 40, 50 and so on. I’m still not ready. Not prepared to date, not prepared to do life with somebody for the rest of my life. I’m not ready for what’s to come, although I am supposed to be at this age of mine; at least be somewhat prepared for my future.
The rate time flies when I’m in Uni is scaring me. What if I leave my Uni not leaving any impact that I ought to have? What if I enter adulthood (followed by parenthood) like many, who are just trying to survive? What happen if I do not fulfill the call of God over my life, or worse still, forsake God for the cares of this world?
At this rate I’m going, I may not make it. My foundation isn’t strong, my values aren’t grounded. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t have the discipline to follow through any plans I had. Am just finding myself struggling to stay the course, trying to carry on in this rat race as just an average joe.
I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I made when I was in secondary school, polytechnic, army. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I made with my paternal grandpa & my relatives. I’m not supposed to live life like this. I’m supposed to be living life to the full, living life on the edge, with calculated risks. But I’m doing none of these.
These thoughts came when I was having a nap in the afternoon, and then just now when I was brushing my teeth.
The ‘what if’s and ‘what could have’s. We always talk about not regretting the decisions we make. But I don’t know if I’m gonna regret any of my decisions until they are made. I don’t know if I’ll be able to weigh the options properly and overcome my fears when in the face of adversity and struggle.