One of those nights

It’s one of those nights again. 

The overwhelming feeling of insecurity rising.

Thoughts that make me desperately want to speak to a pastoral person about it, until that feeling fades away, that is.

Then I would stop wanting to speak to them about it.

I would lose that desperation to seek help, and eventually not do it because I do not know how to put in words what I felt.

Tonight, the trigger thought was about my awkwardness with people, especially with females. Not all of them, just some that made me feel really uncomfortable, probably because of their openness and vulnerability. 

I like people of this kind. They are fun, engaging, sociable, mostly loving and interesting. However there’s this fear inside of me that hinders me from getting comfortable around people like them. I get tensed up as if it’s my default mode, and find it almost impossible to express myself, and more often than not, have nothing to say. 

It happens with guys of this kind too, generally the more outspoken people, except that because they are guys, I’m still able to make myself a bit more comfortable.

Why would I feel awkward around people? Why can’t I seem to break out of the awkwardness and make the air around lighter and less tense? Even when I don’t feel uncomfortable, why can’t I make people feel comfortable instead of making them feel really awkward?

Probably I am self-conscious. Probably I just don’t know what people like, what makes them feel good and at ease, what discomforts them and what ticks them. I just don’t understand myself, or others. I don’t understand the whole situation I’m facing here, and I don’t know how to go about freeing myself from this cycle.

Maybe I really have to not care so much about what others think of me. Maybe I have to reshape the way I think of myself. Maybe I need to know my true self, my self-worth. Maybe I just have to learn to be vulnerable and be comfortable to stay vulnerable when it comes to building relationships.

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