I think my desire to be great and the desire to be known (but getting nowhere near that) is making me feel really lousy about myself.
From time to time, I find myself subconsciously asking: “Why am I not as accomplished as I thought I am supposed to be now? Why are my peers, and even many people younger than me, doing so much better than I am? They have at least accomplished something in their lives; what about me?”
Ever since I entered University (on 4th Aug 2015), I noticed I kept having thoughts similar to the one above going through my heart. It was there before, but it echoes so much more louder when I’m in Uni. Each time I start thinking about what I am good at and what have I achieved, it never ends well. I end up feeling lousy and beaten up before I even start fighting. Thoughts of “I’m not good enough” and “I’ll never be good enough” raced through my mind.
Most people have at least something that they are clearly competent in. Many of them have more than one. But for me, I find it difficult to even think of one good thing I have, especially one that is useful to help/impact people.
I’ve read this portion in psychology that says that we all have this ‘spotlight’ syndrome during our adolecent years, the time when we think the spotlight is on us, when we think everyone is watching us, when we think we stand out among the crowd in our everyday life. Apparently I feel like I’m still kinda stuck in this, but I hate to admit it, because its so embarrassing.
I feel like I’m being judged on my incompetency at times. I can’t contribute to the ministry or the teams that I’m in because I don’t have the ability for it, as much as I desire to.
I have difficulty connecting with people, something that I’ve always struggled with growing up. I have difficulty feeling comfortable or just freely expressing myself with most of the people in the world. I like being with people, but I dislike the fact that I’m unable to connect with them because deep down inside I don’t feel comfortable, unable to express me. That’s why I’m so awkward with so many people. I like people, and I want to be with them. But I can’t seem to learn the skills for it.
Many of the things I like has got to do with people. Maybe it is even a passion that I have. But I can’t. I would easily get paranoid and have “brain jam” just being around most people. Why? I really have no idea. I only know I’m unusually afraid of people. I would love to know why too.
Because of this unusually strong fear of people, I can’t preach the Gospel, can’t communicate truths clearly, can’t make people feel comfortable and connect with me, can’t love people as much as I wish to, can’t shepherd or disciple younger people, can’t approach leaders/pastors to mentor and train me(because I don’t know how to ask the right questions), am having a hard time making friends that I would love to have, am not able to lead people like a real leader does, etc.
I feel really incompetent.
I don’t like this. I want to deal with it, but I don’t know how. I want to ask for help, but I don’t know how to phrase it with the right words. I asked God. But that isn’t enough, is it?
Who will even be willing enough & able to walk me through this?
This struggle, can I ever overcome?
I feel like I’m drowning, but I don’t know how to deal with it.